she passed away this morning. everything still feels kinda surreal. i was tossing and turning about in bed till like 3am cos i kept thinking about both grannies. at 6plus, i subconsciously heard mom talking over the phone, and i knew it was about grandma. when i heard footsteps coming towards my room, i was praying that i would be woken up to go and see grandma alive for the last time. but what dad said was,"grandma's gone."

before i slept, i was telling myself to be prepared to receive an emergency call in the middle of training or something. but it turned out that i wouldn't even have to go for training. after dad woke me up, i just sat on the bed and literally stared into space for 10min, before i started msging people to tell them not to meet me at wherever and that i couldn't go for training.

reached her house at 7plus. knelt beside her bed and looked at her. don't really know how i felt then, cos it was one huge mix of emotions. after that, sat on the sofa and just observed what was going on around me. saw how the adults planned for the wake. one aunt was so shaken that she couldn't remember the things that had happened. it was like selective memory. she was the one calling all the families up, but after that, she didn't recall doing that at all. she was with grandma during her last moments, but she couldn't remember what happened. even after people told her the details, she would forget after 15min and ask again. i guess that was PTSD. another aunt walked in the house all puffy-eyed, and the moment she saw grandma, she broke down completely and starting sobbing. everyone else was looking at each other, not knowing what to do.

the aunts who were with her through the night said she passed on at 5plus in the morning. overheard one of them saying that it was exactly like how they film in on tv. she held on to their hands, and she was tearing. after a while, she let go.. and she was gone. but when the doctor came at like 9 to issue the certificate of death, he said that she had actually stopped breathing at around midnight. almost choked on my coffee when i heard that. hopefully, the doctor's wrong.

many chaotic moments in the house, many decisions to be made, many things to be done. my contribution to the whole thing was to accompany mom to buy lunch for everyone. 60 packets of chicken rice. when the clothes for the wake arrived, it was crazy. everyone shouting out their sizes, rummaging through the boxes, scrambling from room to room. it was like a parody of a shopping sale.

then the undertakers [err that's what you call them right?] arrived. put on the outfit for grandma. when they removed the blanket, i got a shock. because her soles were already purple. then we went to the tentage, and went through the ceremony. there wasn't any embalming done, so after they placed her into the coffin and we looked at her for the last time, they closed it. almost cried when they were hammering the nails in. i don't know, like every knock of the hammer just made it more painful. but it feels really surreal. like part of me still hasn't accepted this yet, like as if it hasn't sunk in totally. i don't know i feel really.. weird. the feeling of seeing someone whom you know personally lying there, looking so peaceful, is too weird. when i went to shu-xian's wake, i was thinking about it for one whole week after that. it just kinda.. messes up your mind.

anyway, after helping to fold the incense paper [is that what you call them?] and stuff, i came home. no more ceremony for today. the wake's 7 days though. so i gotta be there whenever there're important things going on. apart from that, i guess i'm free, so i might be able to go for trainings if the timings don't clash. but probably won't be able to go for all the other stuff that i've planned for the week. ahh.. confused. think i'm gonna take a nap.

rest in peace, grandma. we miss you, and you'll always be in our hearts. goodbye.

baby - rose