today, i realised that the worst form of helplessness is not when you cannot help yourself, but it's when you see a loved one slowly fading away right before you, yet you cannot do anything to ease his/her pain and bring him/her back.

i was happily in dreamland at 10plus this morning when dad called to ask me to rush over to grandma's house. in my semi-conscious state, i was mumbling,'huh why?' and all he could say was,'now go NOW!' of course that meant that it was something bad. so i washed up and cabbed over.

there were piles of shoes at the doorstep, and i was like.. woah. walked into the house not knowing whether to greet the mass of people first or to look for my mom first. in any case, everyone didn't seem like they noticed a new arrival in the house. so i was walking towards grandma's room, and before i even reached the door, everyone inside the room turned and looked at me, and all their eyes were red. they parted to let me get through, and i saw grandma lying there. she had lost so much weight from the last time i saw her, and she was so pale. then mom asked me to greet grandma loudly, and tell her who i was. i was practically shouting, but there was still no response from her. then after a while, she started mumbling something, and one of my aunts said that she's speaking a language that we don't understand. i was like..?! her consciousness was probably only 2/10. so we were all just.. watching her. and all the women were crying. i was so.. scared.

sat in the kitchen after that. more people came, and more people cried. i just sat there, stoned, and listened to the conversations among the adults. they were discussing on the preparations that they had to do. i don't know how painful it is to have to talk about the preparations to be done after the death of a loved one, even before she goes. but i know it must hurt hell a lot, cos they were all talking with teary eyes and voices that were breaking and trailing off halfway. and i was praying that when she goes, it would be a painless and peaceful one.

my other granny, the one whom i was really close to, gave in to cancer also. she passed away when i was 6, but somehow, i knew smoking killed her. and from then on, i swore to myself i would never touch cigarettes. i still vividly remember the scenes. when mom brought me to the hospital, and i saw granny lying there. one corner of the blanket was folded, and i was adjusting it for her. and i thought she was sleeping. when she was going to cremated, we were all watching through the glass panel, watching her being brought closer to the fire. i was crying like crazy, so dad carried me away. but i was reaching out my hand towards the glass panel, and i was shouting and crying for her. it's been.. 11 years. but images of those scenes are still etched in my mind, and i think they'll be there forever. i know i loved her. she was the one taking care of me, playing with me, drawing and colouring with me. because of her, i could speak cantonese fluently, even at the age of 6. but after she left, i couldn't speak it anymore. now, all i can manage are the most basic terms. she doted on me the most. i wonder how it would be like if she's still around. mama, au hou xiong nei. [honestly, i think this sounds wrong. but like i said, my canto sucks now.]

now, cancer is taking this grandma away too. my only grandparent left. one of my cousins just got disgnosed with cancer, but they discovered it early, so thank God. mom's friend is fighting against leukemia and some form of cancer which is at the neck. it's scary, don't you think? life is so fragile, but yet so many of us don't treasure it. we take so many things and so many people for granted. and most of the time, we only realise their significance in our lives when they're gone. by then, it's too late to even regret already.

so that was how my sunday went. was supposed to catch shark tale with derek&ej. but instead, i saw the fragility of life, and learnt a lesson. still a bit.. dazed right now. but from now, i'll make sure i won't waste my life away. life is precious, and so are our loved ones. i'm gonna learn to put my life back on track, and to cherish the people around me, and not take anyone or anything for granted. yeah.

still rather stoned.. so i'll end here for now. xoxo*

baby - rose